Panic at the Disco (OK, it's not really a disco, but I'm still in a panic)

Oh Mah Gaw.....it is so freakin' difficult to find a job right now. Of course, it doesn't help that I live out in the suburbs.

The economy? Also not working in my favor! Soooo many companies in my neck of the woods are still imposing hiring freezes.

Reliable back-up childcare? Actually, I have UNreliable back-up childcare considering the kids Dad hasn't stuck to a weekly schedule since he insisted on having them 2x per week (after school) 6 months ago!

And, my mother is moving back to Tennessee.

Too! Much! Anxiety!

My theme song for 2009!

Remember in High School when you and your significant other had a song? CJ and I had "Open Arms" by Journey. Even today, when I hear that song I am immediately 16 again with all the freedoms, feelings and fun that go along with that age.

Given the crappiness of the last year, I have decided that I should a love song to symbolize my new relationship with ME!

Several months ago, when my separation was fresh, my dear friend Cindy introduced me to a song by Jewel that really speaks to my situation. I'm not normally a big country music fan, but the lyrics in this song are perfect for my 2009 theme song!




"Stronger Woman" by Jewel

I guess you could say
I'm one of those girls
That's always been with one of those guys
You know the type
Like right now, he sleeps while I write

But it's better than crying
I'm worn out from trying
From loving a man who always makes it clear
I'm not welcome here
Just when he's hungry or frisky or needs something cleaned
And you know what I mean

But not tonight
'Cause come the morning light,
oh I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again,
never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

Light bulbs buzz,
I get up
And head to my drawer
I wish there was more I could say
Another fairytale fades to gray

I've lived on hope
Just like a child
Walking that mile
Faking that smile
All the while
Wishing my heart had wings
Well from now on
I'm going to be
The kind of woman I'd want my daughter to be,

oh I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
A stronger woman in me
I'm gonna be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
I won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman

This is me, packing up my bags
And this is me, headed for the door
And this is me, the best you ever had

I'm going to love myself
More than anyone else
Believe in me even if someone cannot see
There's a stronger woman in me
I'm going to be my own best friend
Stay with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no
'Cause there's a stronger woman
A stronger woman
There's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me,Yeah...

Waiting....

I'm waiting for my kids to get home. I'm so anxious......this is new territory for me! I miss them so much. Until this weekend I had no idea how much they've kept me sane over the last few years! OK, they drive me crazy, too.....but I love them so much!

They just pulled in the driveway! Now I can breathe!

Adjusting

I haven't written in some time. There's been a LOT going on in my life. My husband of 10 1/2 years and I are separated. He moved into a new apartment last weekend and this weekend he has the kids. I thought I'd enjoy it more....the kids being gone. I had these grand plans of spending time with myself. Thinking......taking a bubble bath......sleeping all day if I wanted.


Well, I did all those things. After a fun Friday night with the girls, I went to my daughters soccer game today at noon then came home and slept ALL DAY. I woke up at 7:30 pm and decided to putter around the house. I watched The Notebook (big mistake), cried then decided to go the bubble bath route. I'm not a bath person, so that didn't last long. I got too wrinkly too fast and the water was too hot.

Now I'm sitting here, smelling pretty, but sweaty from the water being too hot. My house is so quiet. No little girl sneaking downstairs 100 times asking for a snack. No little boy sleepwalking and ending up in my bed snuggling with me.

I'm not used to all this quiet, but I've promised myself that I'm not going to call my army of friends for support. I'm going to learn how to be with myself again. It's just harder than I thought.

I love my frirends and I know they're there for me whenever I need it, but I have to learn how to do this on my own. I have to learn to be by myself....to be quiet.....to be OK with just me again. It's been so long since I've done that.